You just feel so stupid.

Even though we are committed to moving forward with IVF this summer, we still pay attention to my body and timing and "try" the way any couple would. And, inevitably, you are faced with a conundrum on what to do as you end your cycle. You spend two weeks after possible ovulation doing everything you can to not think about it at all. Then, as the end of your cycle draws closer, you very secretly hope that maybe you're pregnant, but you also try with all of your might not to dream about a positive test. Not to think of the money you would save. Not to think about how you will get to forego all of the shots and hormones and procedures and discomfort. You do your best to not imagine telling your friends and family the same way any other married couple might, surprising them with the news. No, don't think like that. You tell yourself over and over that this cannot and will not happen naturally for you. Let that dream go. It feels necessary to embrace the belief that IVF is the only way so that you will move forward with it. You tell yourself that there's no hope so when your cycle inevitably ends the way it always does, the disappointment doesn't devastate you. You are infertile. No exceptions. You just wait for the unmistakable sign that your cycle is over and, if you're lucky, it shows up right when it needs to. You tell yourself you're not surprised and go on with your day. For the following week, you're a bit more sensitive, but it fades. But then, there are months when the cycle seems just a touch longer and you are left feeling hopeful, despite yourself. Those pangs of hope are tainted with shame because, how dare you let yourself think this could happen for you? You are not the type of person who gets pregnant. Typing it out, I hear how rough it sounds, but it's a protective inner voice that tells you not to go down that road, don't let yourself dream, because that single line on the test will devastate you if you go all in, or even halfway in. But you've gotta know. Some months, you've eventually got to take the test. If the test is negative and you're very late, it is possible that your cycles are out of whack which means the PCOS has flared up and you are not as healthy as you need to be. Double downer. Or, you think, despite yourself, "Maybe the test is wrong?" I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on what a mind bender that is. However, the more likely scenario is you take the test and then your period starts the next day. By far the hardest part is the test itself. When that negative verdict is read, as it always is, you just feel so stupid. Of course it's negative. You're infertile. I suppose, even at our most guarded, we are hard-wired for hope.