This isn't the kind of story you can pick up in the middle and the full length of it is just too long.
So. I'll try to be brief.
For a long time, we stayed quiet about it. I think, for me, it was for fear of how others may feel and, in some way, I wanted to manage their response.
(Reference: Ill-advised, ranting email I sent to closest friends, who love me most, telling them how to handle me. Sigh.)
This topic is like a spot on my heart, that people and life, inadvertently and blamelessly, thump over and over again. Most of the time, I flex, take my hit and move on, but there are times when I'm tired and beaten. Each thump is entirely tolerable on it's own, but it bruises and tears and wounds after a while. Then I isolate, heal and reemerge to take another lickin'. And there are moments, when we are in the process, and the hope that THIS time it worked, keeps you very, very strong...until it doesn't.
Tim and I have completed 3 IUIs, which is a procedure meant to get me pregnant.
All three have failed. I discovered the last one failed today.
There have been countless shots, blood tests, sonograms, pills, acupuncture appointments, hours away from work, and time spent hoping. One test caused me to pass out from pain, but at least the results showed no problems.
In this process, I've learned that I'm not alone. There are many women who struggle with this issue. Many who achieve what they want via a means that no one ever hopes for. The question at the moment is when is enough enough? How far are we willing to go? And at this moment, I don't know.
As a person who had no interest in children at one point, who thought it would all be easy once I did and who shook my head wondering why it was SO important for women in my position to conceive a child, I understand how hard it is for others to understand where we're coming from or what we're dealing with. That's okay. I hope you never have to understand.
I just decided I didn't want to be quiet about it anymore. I don't want to talk about it all the time, but I'm over feeling like there is something intrinsically wrong with me or us. This is just our battle at the moment and since my reading audience is small and few, I figured if you cared enough to read, you may also care about what we're going through.
I also wanted to write this, just in case, God forbid you or your partner find yourself in the same position. The reason I was willing to get help in the first place was because someone was open enough to tell me what she had been through.
We will regroup and decide what we will do next summer and hopefully learn more about why things aren't currently working. In the meantime, I just thought it would be nice not to keep it a secret anymore.
Thanks for reading.
Much Love and Merry Christmas,
Elizabeth
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Injustice Anywhere is a Threat to Justice Everywhere
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
Martin Luther King Jr.
Today a gay coworker and friend became tearful as she told me of a recent political development where tons of money was going to support a candidate who stood avidly against homosexual rights of any kind.
She asked, "What have we done? What is so evil that we don't deserve the same rights as the elderly, the mentally handicapped, and other minorities?"
And, as she spoke, I knew why she did not have equal rights.
In graduate school for my counseling degree I had to write a paper about my growth as a person and future mental health professional. I had to identify my areas of strength and weakness.
I wrote, "I know, to the rest of the counseling world, these ideas are antiquated and outdated, but I do, to some extent, believe homosexuality is a perversion."
I wish the only shame I had about this statement was the fact I was redundant in my use of adjectives. To further my humiliation, I may have even written it with a sense of pride, that I was standing up for my beliefs, as unpopular as they were.
What I stood up for at that time was actually:
*The gay foster parents who cannot both have rights to the children they have rescued because our country cannot recognize their union. One parent must wait for the recognized foster parent to consent for medical services, to speak to the child's teacher or counselor. Should their relationship dissolve (much like a heterosexual couple), the non-foster parent has absolutely no rights to that child, even if they provided a majority of the care. In a custody situation where it is the gay couple versus a heterosexual couple, the heterosexual couple may have more clout because the homosexual home is a single-parent home, with no rights to be acknowledged as otherwise.
*I stood for a value that says, "Your love is not as good as mine. In fact, it is sick and perverse."
*I stood behind a faith that says, "We will love you no matter what, except for that. That, we cannot entertain or excuse. Our love is unconditional, but you are the exception to the rule." Or worse yet, "I love you but I don't love your sin. If you continue to sin, I cannot continue to be your friend and thereby support that."
Except, homosexuality is not like infidelity or stealing or lying. The only victim, the only one who is hurt, is typically the gay person, and the abusers are those with the stance above.
*I've supported a mindset which encourages people to deny themselves, to be inauthentic, to pretend every single day of their life that they are something they are not, simply remain alone, or live in shame.
They have limited options.
1. Engage in the gay lifestyle but face the constant lecture and disdain of those who feel you are doomed to hell and corrupt communities.
2. Pretend you are not gay and play a role. It is similar, no the same as, someone telling me I could only be with women, an act that I have no interest in and would probably be repulsed by. Even if I were more open to this concept, I would never reach the full fulfillment of a relationship that I am capable of with a man.
3. Remain celibate. Stay distant from all. The pain of being gay is too much. The idea of being with the opposite sex is too repulsive, and so they miss out on intimacy all together.
4. Be gay, but only secretly. Again, they live inauthentic lives and may engage in behaviors that put them at risk physically and emotionally. And when not engaged in these behaviors, when they live their life among a community that doesn't know their sexual orientation, they live with the constant sense that if they did know their secret, they would be ruined. Relationships never feel real because they never really are.
Homosexuality is a choice, but these are their options.
I know why my friend and her partner have no rights.
Mainstream is afraid. What if the traditional family becomes watered down? What if at my child's soccer games, there are male partnerships and female partnerships? Wasn't it bad enough to have to explain single-parent homes and blended families? It is too uncomfortable. The flaming guys are annoying. The butch females are unattractive. There is comfort in being a part of the majority. It feels right. That is too foreign, and let's just keep it simple, okay? We want our kids to grow up in a place with traditional family values, healthy family values.
And you are the one who decides what is 'healthy'.
If we can allow homosexuality to be okay, then what other Biblical/moral values must be re-evaluated? These morals are the foundation of our life. If you shake our foundation by picking and choosing what we do and don't like, what value system are we left with?
Yet somehow you navigated women speaking in church, and I believe Joyce Meyer's hair has been shorter than most men's for well over a decade. The Bible is the same book that speaks to ways of treating your slaves and sent women away from the community during menstruation. This tempering of Biblical rigidity is not unprecedented. As cultures grew and became more educated, so did their stance on values. Let's grow shall we?
The gays are so flamboyant. Have you seen a Gay Pride Celebration? They are so in your face about it. I could probably handle it if they would just integrate a bit more quietly.
The reason we don't have Straight Pride day is because there is no reason to. Can't you see that all of the opposition and oppression they have experienced gives them reason to rally, become unified and fight back? Do you realize that you are the reason it makes sense to have Gay Pride Celebrations, as a reaction to your attempts at keeping them isolated and quiet?
So why am I finally speaking up?
Perhaps I should say why I haven't to this point. I have plenty of friends who are conservative Christians. Friends that I care about. To take this stance means that I, in some ways, must also come out of the closet. And, why do that? Why rock the boat? I'm not gay so why pick a fight? Let's just remain silent.
But then, some of the most meaningful people in my life are gay. I love them and know them for so many wonderful things, and who they go home to at the end of the day plays a minor role in our relationship. Over time, I've seen them lie to strangers because it was just easier. I've witnessed their tolerance of hurtful words with grace. I saw a friend cry at the fear of being disowned by family and hell, and my rage has become palpable.
The majority is straight. It is easy to be straight and let them fight their own fight, but how can the minority win a vote? As a woman, many spoke up for me. I feel the responsibility to do the same.
I don't want my future grandchildren to look back on my life with the same shame I have for my racist ancestors.
First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me -- and there was no one left to speak out for me.
*Martin Niemölle was a German pastor and theologian in 20th-century Germany. Arrested and imprisoned by the Nazis before the war, his most famous work was a poem he wrote criticizing the inactivity and apathy of German intellectuals and society to the growing menace of Nazism.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Today a gay coworker and friend became tearful as she told me of a recent political development where tons of money was going to support a candidate who stood avidly against homosexual rights of any kind.
She asked, "What have we done? What is so evil that we don't deserve the same rights as the elderly, the mentally handicapped, and other minorities?"
And, as she spoke, I knew why she did not have equal rights.
In graduate school for my counseling degree I had to write a paper about my growth as a person and future mental health professional. I had to identify my areas of strength and weakness.
I wrote, "I know, to the rest of the counseling world, these ideas are antiquated and outdated, but I do, to some extent, believe homosexuality is a perversion."
I wish the only shame I had about this statement was the fact I was redundant in my use of adjectives. To further my humiliation, I may have even written it with a sense of pride, that I was standing up for my beliefs, as unpopular as they were.
What I stood up for at that time was actually:
*The gay foster parents who cannot both have rights to the children they have rescued because our country cannot recognize their union. One parent must wait for the recognized foster parent to consent for medical services, to speak to the child's teacher or counselor. Should their relationship dissolve (much like a heterosexual couple), the non-foster parent has absolutely no rights to that child, even if they provided a majority of the care. In a custody situation where it is the gay couple versus a heterosexual couple, the heterosexual couple may have more clout because the homosexual home is a single-parent home, with no rights to be acknowledged as otherwise.
*I stood for a value that says, "Your love is not as good as mine. In fact, it is sick and perverse."
*I stood behind a faith that says, "We will love you no matter what, except for that. That, we cannot entertain or excuse. Our love is unconditional, but you are the exception to the rule." Or worse yet, "I love you but I don't love your sin. If you continue to sin, I cannot continue to be your friend and thereby support that."
Except, homosexuality is not like infidelity or stealing or lying. The only victim, the only one who is hurt, is typically the gay person, and the abusers are those with the stance above.
*I've supported a mindset which encourages people to deny themselves, to be inauthentic, to pretend every single day of their life that they are something they are not, simply remain alone, or live in shame.
They have limited options.
1. Engage in the gay lifestyle but face the constant lecture and disdain of those who feel you are doomed to hell and corrupt communities.
2. Pretend you are not gay and play a role. It is similar, no the same as, someone telling me I could only be with women, an act that I have no interest in and would probably be repulsed by. Even if I were more open to this concept, I would never reach the full fulfillment of a relationship that I am capable of with a man.
3. Remain celibate. Stay distant from all. The pain of being gay is too much. The idea of being with the opposite sex is too repulsive, and so they miss out on intimacy all together.
4. Be gay, but only secretly. Again, they live inauthentic lives and may engage in behaviors that put them at risk physically and emotionally. And when not engaged in these behaviors, when they live their life among a community that doesn't know their sexual orientation, they live with the constant sense that if they did know their secret, they would be ruined. Relationships never feel real because they never really are.
Homosexuality is a choice, but these are their options.
I know why my friend and her partner have no rights.
Mainstream is afraid. What if the traditional family becomes watered down? What if at my child's soccer games, there are male partnerships and female partnerships? Wasn't it bad enough to have to explain single-parent homes and blended families? It is too uncomfortable. The flaming guys are annoying. The butch females are unattractive. There is comfort in being a part of the majority. It feels right. That is too foreign, and let's just keep it simple, okay? We want our kids to grow up in a place with traditional family values, healthy family values.
And you are the one who decides what is 'healthy'.
If we can allow homosexuality to be okay, then what other Biblical/moral values must be re-evaluated? These morals are the foundation of our life. If you shake our foundation by picking and choosing what we do and don't like, what value system are we left with?
Yet somehow you navigated women speaking in church, and I believe Joyce Meyer's hair has been shorter than most men's for well over a decade. The Bible is the same book that speaks to ways of treating your slaves and sent women away from the community during menstruation. This tempering of Biblical rigidity is not unprecedented. As cultures grew and became more educated, so did their stance on values. Let's grow shall we?
The gays are so flamboyant. Have you seen a Gay Pride Celebration? They are so in your face about it. I could probably handle it if they would just integrate a bit more quietly.
The reason we don't have Straight Pride day is because there is no reason to. Can't you see that all of the opposition and oppression they have experienced gives them reason to rally, become unified and fight back? Do you realize that you are the reason it makes sense to have Gay Pride Celebrations, as a reaction to your attempts at keeping them isolated and quiet?
So why am I finally speaking up?
Perhaps I should say why I haven't to this point. I have plenty of friends who are conservative Christians. Friends that I care about. To take this stance means that I, in some ways, must also come out of the closet. And, why do that? Why rock the boat? I'm not gay so why pick a fight? Let's just remain silent.
But then, some of the most meaningful people in my life are gay. I love them and know them for so many wonderful things, and who they go home to at the end of the day plays a minor role in our relationship. Over time, I've seen them lie to strangers because it was just easier. I've witnessed their tolerance of hurtful words with grace. I saw a friend cry at the fear of being disowned by family and hell, and my rage has become palpable.
The majority is straight. It is easy to be straight and let them fight their own fight, but how can the minority win a vote? As a woman, many spoke up for me. I feel the responsibility to do the same.
I don't want my future grandchildren to look back on my life with the same shame I have for my racist ancestors.
First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -- because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me -- and there was no one left to speak out for me.
*Martin Niemölle was a German pastor and theologian in 20th-century Germany. Arrested and imprisoned by the Nazis before the war, his most famous work was a poem he wrote criticizing the inactivity and apathy of German intellectuals and society to the growing menace of Nazism.
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