You just feel so stupid.

Even though we are committed to moving forward with IVF this summer, we still pay attention to my body and timing and "try" the way any couple would. And, inevitably, you are faced with a conundrum on what to do as you end your cycle. You spend two weeks after possible ovulation doing everything you can to not think about it at all. Then, as the end of your cycle draws closer, you very secretly hope that maybe you're pregnant, but you also try with all of your might not to dream about a positive test. Not to think of the money you would save. Not to think about how you will get to forego all of the shots and hormones and procedures and discomfort. You do your best to not imagine telling your friends and family the same way any other married couple might, surprising them with the news. No, don't think like that. You tell yourself over and over that this cannot and will not happen naturally for you. Let that dream go. It feels necessary to embrace the belief that IVF is the only way so that you will move forward with it. You tell yourself that there's no hope so when your cycle inevitably ends the way it always does, the disappointment doesn't devastate you. You are infertile. No exceptions. You just wait for the unmistakable sign that your cycle is over and, if you're lucky, it shows up right when it needs to. You tell yourself you're not surprised and go on with your day. For the following week, you're a bit more sensitive, but it fades. But then, there are months when the cycle seems just a touch longer and you are left feeling hopeful, despite yourself. Those pangs of hope are tainted with shame because, how dare you let yourself think this could happen for you? You are not the type of person who gets pregnant. Typing it out, I hear how rough it sounds, but it's a protective inner voice that tells you not to go down that road, don't let yourself dream, because that single line on the test will devastate you if you go all in, or even halfway in. But you've gotta know. Some months, you've eventually got to take the test. If the test is negative and you're very late, it is possible that your cycles are out of whack which means the PCOS has flared up and you are not as healthy as you need to be. Double downer. Or, you think, despite yourself, "Maybe the test is wrong?" I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on what a mind bender that is. However, the more likely scenario is you take the test and then your period starts the next day. By far the hardest part is the test itself. When that negative verdict is read, as it always is, you just feel so stupid. Of course it's negative. You're infertile. I suppose, even at our most guarded, we are hard-wired for hope.

Barreling Down the Road

It was a long time ago, but I saw the movie Gerry and hated it. It's a story of these guys (Matt Damon and Casey Affleck) who find themselves stranded off the long, desolate back roads of America when their car breaks down. It's no Deliverance, just two normal guys who lose their way and wander around looking for a way back to civilization. The film takes the viewer on this monotonous trip with them. You hear the crunch of the ground under their feet for two hours that feel like and represent days. You get exhausted with them. You want to figure out the direction they should head so that the damn movie will end already. You want a coyote to eat them or for them to just find their way back and put everyone out of their misery.

Analogy.

Done.

The waiting is getting old and although I may attempt to distract myself, to keep myself busy, all I think about is getting to the point where we are finally making forward movement, but instead it feels like we are walking in circles, just waiting until the moment we can get started with accepting our fate, one way or another.

I surprised myself the other day when I told a friend, even if IVF doesn't work, I'll be happy this is finally over. I shocked myself when I said it because I was so surprised by how very much I meant it, an indication of how hard this quiet, boring place is to be. The waiting. Feeling stuck. This limbo, bit by bit, makes you so tired. You don't want to think about it anymore. You don't want to talk about it. You're done talking. You're done thinking, although that is all you can do and can't stop yourself from doing. You want to take action. It is just time to throw the dice and accept your winnings or loss. Let me be pregnant or let me grieve, because either at least represents movement.

The clip below is ironically named "Barreling Down the Road". Enjoy. Or don't, cause that's not the point.



Unrelated commentary. It is clearly a really great film because, I still remember the experience and I'm freakin' blogging about it 10 years later. Some things hurt good.