Driven to Distraction

They say that there are some babies who never really crawl, they just go from sitting to walking one day. That's not a good thing. They found that these children, as they grow older, tend to not fight battles they can't win. They grow frustrated with obstacles that don't come fairly easily to them. They sometimes lack frustration tolerance. They excel but pick their battles.

I didn't crawl much.

I think this is part of the reason I was so hesitant to start infertility treatment. If it was a matter of working hard to get it, I could sign on for that but I wanted to know steps 1,2 and 3 would lead me to my goal. Let me sit back, figure it out, and then I would walk into it. That's not how it works. When you first go to a consult at an infertility doctor's office you don't know what your journey will be. You don't know if you're one of the easy ones who gets pregnant after a first and simple try or if you will be the woman who needs 3 costly cycles of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) or if, no matter what you try, you will not carry your own child, or, perhaps my greatest fear, you will miscarry, maybe even more than once.

So, I hesitated, for fear that I would become one of the women who was fighting the infertility battle for years.

Because I know myself. I know that if I throw myself in, I am ALL IN.

Also, at some point along the way, I decided that I wouldn't make choices based on fear. I would use fear as a warning if necessary but that it would not be the ultimate reason I did or did not do something. And so we moved forward. A life worth living requires courage.

But this is what I was afraid of.

To allow just one dream to consume you is dangerous, risky. Your perspective is lost.

And, if I'm honest, all I am doing is waiting until I can be pregnant. I AM READY to have a baby, children, a family of my own, and, until that point, everything else is simply meaningless, white noise. I know, in reality, that it is not, but I can't feel it.

I know the work I do is important. I know I will miss my freedom. I know I will hate morning sickness. I know I will be awful without sleep. I know I should be enjoying myself. I know I should be grateful.

But, I can't.

I'm tried desperately to keep myself occupied, entertained, distracted, happy, appreciative so that I would not feel the emptiness in everything else in the time between now and when I could have a baby.

But, I just can't.

I need the next chapter to begin.

The distractions DO work for a little bit. I'm not pretending to be anything I'm not when out with friends or family. The relief just doesn't last long.

And then I get afraid that I have placed WAY TOO MUCH on this child I hope to have. And what a terrifying idea that is, that this little bundle of joy will be responsible for lifting me from my depression and solve all of my problems. Cause that's how it works right? No, I know that is fucking sick.

But, here's the thing. I was not a depressed person who needed something to fill a void and decided it was a child. I was pretty content until I allowed myself to be honest about my hopes for a family, until we threw ourselves into this fight we didn't know we would win. I knew the risk of opening myself up to this, to investing my thoughts, energy, time, and health, to fully look my desire in the face and accept I can't do this on my own, that this isn't going to work naturally for us. I knew this could make me crazy.

And it has.

This desire comes from such a deep and primal place. I can't truly compare it to anything else.

And I wonder if I have blown it all out of proportion.

But then I see families together. I see mothers being mothers and think, "No. If you're going to lose your mind, this is a good reason to do it."

So forget losing 10 more pounds or learning to sew or making a new recipe. I'll do it if the mood strikes. I've been trying to care about other things but I just don't.

This child I hope to have is my marathon and, my God, will you see tears if I make it to the finish line.