So, it appears as though all I needed was what I felt like I needed. I needed company, good conversation, Leaves of Grass by Whitman, time with my husband, some lazy, restful days, amazing food and apparently a few white Christmas lights in my living room.
This, is what life is made of. When I find myself feeling restless, I've tried to tell myself, over and over, "This is it. This is your life." If I am always looking ahead, just waiting, I will miss this.
When I have a child I will trade this restlessness for lack of rest. So. This is it. For now. And it has to be enough because this is all there is.
American Beauty
At the end of a man's life, he narrarates:
"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
Spoiler Alert. If you haven't seen this movie, don't watch the clip:
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Waiting for my real life to begin
My enthusiasm about how I could spend my time between now and IVF has dwindled and I find myself restless, bored, lonely and borderline depressed.
Tim is working unbelievable hours (5:30am to 9:30pm) almost daily and then Saturday mornings. (Clearly, his plight is worse than mine, but this is MY blog.)
One of my closest friends who I also work with has been out on medical leave for the past 6 weeks or more. (Also, her situation sucks 10 times worse than mine, but, again MY blog.)
Work has been PAINFULLY slow. Few clients and no groups, which I usually do weekly, for the past month.
As for friends, I have them (and I will stop using this as an excuse soon enough) but my closest friends don't live here anymore. I work with 2 people and I'm not a part of anything outside of work, so there's something of a deficit in opportunities to meet new people. Not to mention, my plan to this point has been making friends with extroverts and then befriending their friends, meaning I never have to do much of the initiation. Being the one who does the reaching out? Yea. Not my forte. And guess who moved out of state? The best extroverts a gal could have.
And, as time goes on, I feel like my brain is getting slower and I'm becoming socially retarded. It's like the loneliness and isolation makes me blurt out my internal monologue whenever someone is present to listen. I've started purging my house because it's clean and so now I guess it must become simplified too, just in case tomorrow is the day we spontaneously decide to pack up and move to Colorado or something.
Plain and simple. I'm losing it. And, if I'm honest, this boredom, this quiet is deafening in its screams about how no 30-something-year-old woman should be bored. Her life should be exhausting between a husband, job and kids. The silence only serves as a reminder of what I am lacking: a husband with only one full time job, children who wear me into the ground and close friends nearby for game nights, laughter, new perspectives and wardrobe vetoes (cause left to my own devices...).
And I find myself haunted by the words of Betty on Mad Men in a mean mother moment to her daughter, "Only boring people are bored." And then, who would want to be friends with a boring person? NO ONE! And so the slippery slope to my demise begins.
I imagine complaining about how I have SO MUCH free time on my hands may feel like the equivalent of 'I have more money than I know what to do with' or 'My boobs are so big that people simply objectify me'. I have tried and continue to try to find meaning in this quiet, boring time, but just can't. Life is just feeling a bit empty at the moment.
Trust me, self-pity and complaining don't come easy to me. I have the perspective to know how lucky I am, in so many ways. But, today, my pity party features me, so you can send presents to my home or office address.
I'm off to go watch J. Edgar... with my mother... on a Friday night. (See?!)
Love you all.
E
Tim is working unbelievable hours (5:30am to 9:30pm) almost daily and then Saturday mornings. (Clearly, his plight is worse than mine, but this is MY blog.)
One of my closest friends who I also work with has been out on medical leave for the past 6 weeks or more. (Also, her situation sucks 10 times worse than mine, but, again MY blog.)
Work has been PAINFULLY slow. Few clients and no groups, which I usually do weekly, for the past month.
As for friends, I have them (and I will stop using this as an excuse soon enough) but my closest friends don't live here anymore. I work with 2 people and I'm not a part of anything outside of work, so there's something of a deficit in opportunities to meet new people. Not to mention, my plan to this point has been making friends with extroverts and then befriending their friends, meaning I never have to do much of the initiation. Being the one who does the reaching out? Yea. Not my forte. And guess who moved out of state? The best extroverts a gal could have.
And, as time goes on, I feel like my brain is getting slower and I'm becoming socially retarded. It's like the loneliness and isolation makes me blurt out my internal monologue whenever someone is present to listen. I've started purging my house because it's clean and so now I guess it must become simplified too, just in case tomorrow is the day we spontaneously decide to pack up and move to Colorado or something.
Plain and simple. I'm losing it. And, if I'm honest, this boredom, this quiet is deafening in its screams about how no 30-something-year-old woman should be bored. Her life should be exhausting between a husband, job and kids. The silence only serves as a reminder of what I am lacking: a husband with only one full time job, children who wear me into the ground and close friends nearby for game nights, laughter, new perspectives and wardrobe vetoes (cause left to my own devices...).
And I find myself haunted by the words of Betty on Mad Men in a mean mother moment to her daughter, "Only boring people are bored." And then, who would want to be friends with a boring person? NO ONE! And so the slippery slope to my demise begins.
I imagine complaining about how I have SO MUCH free time on my hands may feel like the equivalent of 'I have more money than I know what to do with' or 'My boobs are so big that people simply objectify me'. I have tried and continue to try to find meaning in this quiet, boring time, but just can't. Life is just feeling a bit empty at the moment.
Trust me, self-pity and complaining don't come easy to me. I have the perspective to know how lucky I am, in so many ways. But, today, my pity party features me, so you can send presents to my home or office address.
I'm off to go watch J. Edgar... with my mother... on a Friday night. (See?!)
Love you all.
E
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