Barreling Down the Road

It was a long time ago, but I saw the movie Gerry and hated it. It's a story of these guys (Matt Damon and Casey Affleck) who find themselves stranded off the long, desolate back roads of America when their car breaks down. It's no Deliverance, just two normal guys who lose their way and wander around looking for a way back to civilization. The film takes the viewer on this monotonous trip with them. You hear the crunch of the ground under their feet for two hours that feel like and represent days. You get exhausted with them. You want to figure out the direction they should head so that the damn movie will end already. You want a coyote to eat them or for them to just find their way back and put everyone out of their misery.

Analogy.

Done.

The waiting is getting old and although I may attempt to distract myself, to keep myself busy, all I think about is getting to the point where we are finally making forward movement, but instead it feels like we are walking in circles, just waiting until the moment we can get started with accepting our fate, one way or another.

I surprised myself the other day when I told a friend, even if IVF doesn't work, I'll be happy this is finally over. I shocked myself when I said it because I was so surprised by how very much I meant it, an indication of how hard this quiet, boring place is to be. The waiting. Feeling stuck. This limbo, bit by bit, makes you so tired. You don't want to think about it anymore. You don't want to talk about it. You're done talking. You're done thinking, although that is all you can do and can't stop yourself from doing. You want to take action. It is just time to throw the dice and accept your winnings or loss. Let me be pregnant or let me grieve, because either at least represents movement.

The clip below is ironically named "Barreling Down the Road". Enjoy. Or don't, cause that's not the point.



Unrelated commentary. It is clearly a really great film because, I still remember the experience and I'm freakin' blogging about it 10 years later. Some things hurt good.