Surgery

So, I have a big ol' cyst that must be removed. It is apparently really large, so they can't remove it via laprascopy. In our culture, surgery has become pretty common place. I had a client who had surgery recently, and I expressed concern but didn't really entertain the idea anything bad would happen. Sure enough, nothing did.

Deep down, I'm not really concerned anything will go very wrong with my surgery. But, let's imagine that surgery weren't commonplace. Let's imagine that someone said, "Listen, we're going to drug you, lay you out naked on a table, put a tube down your throat, cut your stomach open and pull out something about the size of melon. We may take some other stuff out if we feel the need. Then we're going to sew you up and you won't remember a thing. I mean, you'll be in pain because of what we did, but don't worry about that." WTF!!!!

I mean, surgery means trusting someone not to screw you up worse than you already are and make fun of you chubby thighs while your sleeping. And don't get me started on the trust we're putting in the anesthesiologist. One thing is for sure, I'll be in pain afterwards with a gnarly scar. As it gets closer, that reality is getting more and more intimidating.

I guess its just one more thing, after its all said and done, to not be afraid of. Often times, the fear of something is worse than the event itself. The real tragedy in the midst of all of this will be if after the removal of what we have affectionally named "Hairy", I don't look all that different. Fingers crossed that I should at least be able to fit into my pants again and not look like I'm in the 2nd trimester.

Wish me luck. Actually, wish the surgeon and his staff luck.

All Things Devine

Sometimes there seems to be so much up in the air that it is hard to make sense of it all. SO this is partly for me, and partly to share with those who may be interested.

Tim: Tim will finish his last semester of his Master's degree in Humanities after the New Year. In order for him to take his comprehensive exams (comps.) he must first pass a Spanish translation test. There will be 4 articles, 3 of which he will be familiar with. The professor will identify a paragraph out of each article and Tim must translate it into English. He eats and sleeps Rosetta Stone and I've been really impressed with how much Spanish he actually has learned. We are definitely hopeful. If he does not pass the Spanish exam then he will have to re-enroll in the fall so that he can take his comps. A lot rides on this Spanish challenge. He will also need to complete a 40-page paper which he has already begun and, oh yea, take his comps. So, he's busy. He is also working as a TA in the Philosophy department at UTA and loving it. He has definitely found his niche and it is nice to see him enjoying his work. Here's to hoping we're on our way to making that a permanent thing. (Well, not the TA part, but the professor part.)

Tim's dad: Tim's father had a brain tumor removed in March. Since then he has suffered a number of complications leaving him disabled, to say the least. He can only speak a few words at any given time. He is immensely thin and cannot walk. He is currently being fed through a tube. At times, he seems distant and in another world. Other times, it is him. He had his birthday on Monday and I don't know if it was just a good day or if he was pulling through for us, but HE was there. It was such an amazing gift to give us on his special day. He used his limited coordination to open presents, rolling his eyes when we said something stupid. It was so good to see him.

Me: I work full time as the Clinical Coordinator for an amazing non-profit. I only work with 3 other people and love them like family. I have been there nearly 5 years and have it down to a science. I also have the chance to travel here and there and spoke at a conference in LA a few weeks ago. Earlier in the summer, I spoke in Austin and got the chance to take Tim with me and visit my best friend, Amanda. We all went as a group to San Antonio and had a great night out then too. I think next year, it is Buffalo, NY, and I hope Tim and I will be able to go see Niagra Falls.

On the side, I also see a few kids involved with CPS in their home and see some clients in an office I rent out. This has been the first time I really put myself out there for private practice. I have adults who come to see me with adult problems. Although I enjoy working with children, I am so happy to have adults and the challenges they bring. Honestly, they're a little easier than kids. I am just so happy I went to school for so long and ended up liking what I do. It is also extremely important, in the next semester especially, because being a TA doesn't bring in the big bucks. At the end of this year, I think both of us are going to be pretty impressed with what we pulled off.

My mom: My mother is Bi-Polar and has been manic for probably the past year which means she burns through money (she doesn't have) like a forest fire. This was extremely challenging for us, especially since this has been a tighter financial year, but mom has started working with me in a way to where we are close to having it in order. There is fear that she will possibly lose her side job in February, through no fault of her own, and this will make things a bit difficult for all of us. I am her only child and so it is a lot of pressure to be sure she is cared for. She also says she experienced a hit and run. I am not completely sure that she wasn't in the car as she claimed, but regardless, repairs will be needed soon. Sigh. What's a girl to do? I can only take her one day at a time. She lives in a fairy tale most of the time, so I try to look out for the pitfalls she can't see. I can only do what I'm doing now.

Tim and I: Last night, we had Tree Day. It started in Tim's family, but has taken on a life of its own with us. I had already put up the wreaths and other decorations around the apartment, which is quite a job in itself. Tim had bought all the yummy food a few days earlier including a ridiculously fatty queso, shrimp cocktail, chips and dip, a fancy beer, meats and cheeses, a veggie tray, and Tim made fudge. We put Christmas music on and went to find "our" tree which is always fresh. Tim took it outside to get it in the stand and then I put the lights on. We then put on the special ornaments that we gathered over the past 5+ years and put them on one at a time, including Gracie and Scarlett's ornament which we have to put on while holding the dog.

All in all, this has been an extraordinarily difficult year, but this morning I feel blessed. We love our home and our animals. The challenges of our family have brought us closer to others in the family. Tim is enjoying what he's doing and I am too. He finds time to keep the house clean, and I work harder at a job I really enjoy. He's more content and it is so nice to come home to so little stress. I am glad that we took this year to let Tim follow his dreams. Little did I know, it would mean I had some of my wishes granted too.

Caretaking the crazy...

This is not an uplifting post. Interesting perhaps.

My mother is Bipolar or Manic/Depressive. Most people are familiar with what it means for someone to be depressed, although few rarely know the extent to which it can go. For example, when my mother is fully depressed she frequently becomes delusional, believing things about the world that are not real, horrible things. She also can become extraordinarily agitated, as if her fight or flight system has kicked into overdrive.

My mother is not currently depressed, however. She is manic. If she were completely unmedicated, as she was once during one of these episodes, she stays up all night "working". She feels as though she can do anything, as though people love her and she has unlimited resources. She is also irritated with others because they can't keep up with her, and God help you if you oppose her in the least. It's like the opposite of the depression, all her delusions are positive and cheerful, but she cannot accept anyone who crosses her.

My mother is currently manic but medicated so it is not as bad as it could be, but still pretty bad. If I'm honest, then she has been manic for most of this year, but I stayed out of it for a number of reasons. I believed she was still going to see her doctor. I didn't feel like there was a lot I could do. I couldn't just take her credit cards away as I have no legal authority over her. She began getting into horrible debt, and bought tons of plants, gifts, clothes, wine club, etc. About 4 months ago, she began to ask if I could float her here and there, or I would notice that her bank account, which I am on as well, had overdrafted. One day, she went on a trip to see her friend and the overdrafts didn't stop. It ended up tallying over $500. I rushed to stop the hemorrhaging without much thought, partially believing that she would be able to pay it all back because she talks a good game. I, however, did not mention this to Tim. I told him she had borrowed money but didn't tally up the full amount until later, until he saw what had happened to our savings. And the complication with that part begins here.

It took a while to really grasp how far gone she was, but it culminated once she totaled her car on her way to go see a friend out of town. The friend took wonderful care of her that weekend, which I am eternally grateful for, but this left my mother without transportation. She can just about pay all of her bills with her disability check, but her little part time job provided her with the money she needed to get back and forth to work. She no longer had a way to get there and was convinced she would just need to buy a new car. She called family. I called them to tell them not to help her. She cannot afford a new car payment and there is the possibility she is too dangerous to herself and others in a car.

One after one, people began to contact me and ask why I was so resistant. Like I said my mom talks a good game, so I spent hours explaining to those nearest and dearest what mania is like, how much debt she is in, etc. Slowly, they came around. They remembered how dogmatic she would be when they made suggestions that were anything but a new car. They started putting it together.

In the midst of all this, I realized that my mother does not learn via natural consequences. This is where the sickness is. She could watch her money her go away every second of every day and assume there is more to come. I took her to a car lot where they told her they couldn't help her finance a car. She wouldn't take no for an answer and had her friends take her to several other car lots.

She paid a man $100 to hold a car for her so that she could buy it before she had even gone to the bank to ask for financing. That $100 was from the $400 she had borrowed from family to make rent that month. Finally, a week after her rent was due, I got the money together for it and paid her late fees. I spoke with the office manager at her apartment and explained our situation, told her she could rely on me to make sure she received the rent.

Mother finally came to terms on Monday that no one was going to give her or lend her the money for a down payment on a car. She saw through it. She knew I had sabatoged her. It was something I took control of and wasn't sure I had the right. If my uncle was willing to give her the money was it my place to tell him not to?

I couldn't shake the feeling it was like giving money to a crack addict. If I put $20 in her account to float her, it is gone the next day after a trip to the Olive Garden. No, you cannot give a manic woman $2000. You just can't.

So on Monday, she came to terms with the fact no one was going to give her the money, and she was pissed at me. She is never overtly mean or angry towards me, but she knew I was involved. The same day, I took her 45 minutes away to her doctor for lab work. While I was there, I left a letter for her doctor asking her if she would support me in naming my mother financially incompetent so that I can manage her disability check. I haven't heard back from her and called again today, after 4 days to see what conclusion she may have come to.

I had taken her to the doctor last week and they saw clearly that she was manic and that I was there to help her. I got her on more medication and am hoping she stabilizes soon. The unfortunate thing of it all is that she may delve into her depression in the process of getting her stabilizing. Then instead of fighting her, it will be like lifting dead weight.

That same day that I took her to the doctor to get her stabilized, I paid my mother's rent and late fees and spoke with the office manager about my mother's situation. After I had finally left my mother, I get a call from this office manager telling me she needs to have my mom sign a new lease. I ask her to give me the afternoon to speak with my mother about going month-to-month as I feel it would be better for her to come live closer to me. She says she really needs to have it signed and will see what she can do. I had visited with someone from a beautiful retirement community and called them quickly to see how long of a waiting list there was to see if we should go month-to-month. She told me my mother was at the top of the list. In less than 5 minutes, the office manager at my mother's apartment had gone across the street and had my mother sign a new lease.

I quickly called said office manager to let her know that she had taken advantage of my mentally ill, senior citizen mother and that I was furious. I received a call today from the retirement community and they have a place for my mom. I now have that battle to fight.

On the day I went to get my mother for her lab work, I also arranged for a friend of the family to provide her with a car she can use to get back and forth to work for free. She didn't care. It wasn't a new car, and no one was willing to help her...

I think now my mother sees that I've put her under my thumb, and she seems to think that since I put her here, I am now responsible for her. I've helped her this much and won't drop her so she tells me to put some more money in her account for the weekend. I tell her to ask me for this money.

It is like I have a teenager and lost my mom somewhere along the way. This isn't who she is although this is who she has been for a lot of this year. I have this picture on my phone of her at Christmas. She looks like my mother. The mania has encouraged my mother to die her hair dark brown, wear gaudy jewelry and bright makeup and pierce her ears. She looks nothing like the mother I've known all my life.

I am hopeful she will stabilize soon and that we will be able to put her into the apartment complex nearer to me where we can help take better care of her. I am hoping we can do this and not break ourselves financially. I believe some of my family will be available to help a little bit, and I believe they understand. I am hopeful that her psychiatrist will give me financial control of her so that she doesn't continue to overdraft her account or scream at me every time I remove her money from it so that she doesn't spend it all at once.

I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO CONTROL HER SO CLOSELY ANY MORE. Trying to decide how much control to take and let her still have her dignity, to control her enough so that she doesn't take advantage of us, is difficult.

Here's to hoping...

The Professor, Atheist and Christian...

First, the professor. I minored in Spanish when I was getting my Bachelor's degree and took six hours at a college in Mexico. This professor had high standards when it came to learning of his culture and his language. We called him "Profe", and he took us to his hometown where we attended classes. He was patient, an excellent teacher, protective, and when speaking with him personally, very profound. He was calm, steady, and warm.

I randomly touched base with him via email several months ago and found that he is now living in San Antonio. He was talkative and interested in how things were going. We decided that we would meet up when I was there this past weekend. He and his wife picked me up from my hotel and took me for the real deal Mexican food. It was so different walking into this restaurant with him versus when it is simply me and a group of white folks. Profe loves, honors, and respects his culture, and this appeared evident to even the servers. There was gentle formality that emerged while dining with him and his wife. Although I could never belong, I felt honored to be there.

In the course of conversation he shared how passionate he was about raising the education level of the kids within the Mexican community. He wanted to raise the standard of his people in this country. He has always and continues to live rather modestly with this steadfast goal.

He has a great deal of depth and strives continually to learn. He is also a Baptist. I have never claimed to be Baptist, but as I sat there with him, I missed the simple ways a bit. The prayer. The cleanliness. The altruism, in as much as this can exist.

Two nights later, a friend's cousin acted as tour guide for our little group of friends around San Antonio. He was an environmental journalist for the newspaper in San Antonio, and sitting on the veranda of the VFW along the river over a beer, he disclosed that he was raised an atheist. He greatly enjoyed interviewing pastors, priests, and other do-gooders within the community. I asked him if as he grew he ever sought out a "spirituality" in the formal sense. If I understood him correctly, he said that in his time spent talking with various major leaders in the faith community, they all seek to answer the same questions, with relatively the same answers. Where do we go when we die? How should we live our lives? Is there help out there for us? Ultimately, it appeared to him that the answers were all relatively the same, and the details didn't seem to be of much importance.

Something else he said, I've actually thought quite a bit myself. He said that he had recently been dating a girl who wanted to go to church. It meant something to her. His thought on the whole thing was that this spirituality was manufactured. If it is a natural part of our universe, than it should be more naturally acquired than the regiment of a Sunday morning. Why isn't there something that rouses us, that moves us, that speaks to us outside of the walls of the church? Why must we go looking for it?

He mentioned that in interviewing the clergy, he was moved, there was something amazing about seeing a community come together, to help their fellow man, woman, and child. Something about that was special, perhaps spiritual. To this point, I told him I am concerned. I mentioned the sacrifices of those who do amazing feats for humanity always seem to have a deep faith. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, etc. It seems to me that faith is something that is dying and is easily being replaced partly by science and partly by self indulgence. My personal belief is that human beings, at their core, are self-centered. Our society caters to the self-centeredness excessively. As for science, for many scientists it seems, beliefs in science or faith are mutually exclusive. I wonder sometimes if a few hundred years from now, cultures will look at ours and think of our churches in the same way we view Greek mythology. Perhaps not, but the numbers, at least in America, who profess Christianity are dropping. I think true sacrificial leaders are strongly motivated by a belief in God, and perhaps purpose, meaning, eternal value. I would like to know of the grand atheist humanitarian...

Lastly, I had dinner tonight with a dear friend and devout Christian. In the course of my time away from my Christian undergraduate school, I've been exposed to quite a different world. Half of the people I work with are gay. Some, in particular, whom I believe deserve heaven more than most. Drinking is no longer taboo. Cursing may lack class but is not a sin. I work with families whose situations are not black and white, situations that involve tough decisions and discussions regarding situational ethics, intentions, defining the difference between setting boundaries or being selfish, and personal responsibility. Christianity, on the other hand, seems to lack the relativity. Christians are told not to judge but have a clear rule book of what is right and wrong.

As someone who was raised a devout Christian and now lives a rather secular life, the point of contention that only touches on the grand scheme is this conflict of self sacrifice vs. self centeredness, self-control vs. self entitlement, and self denial vs. natural urges. These conflicts of course are in the general sense. The Christian proposes that "dying to self" will ultimately bring fulfillment. The atheist still teaches their child self-control.

Nietzche took issue with the idea that the Judeo-Christian view taught humanity to do the exact opposite of what was natural. I can't say I disagree. The question here is how truly good or bad is that? I have a feeling, that this answer, too, is not so simple.

My husband is a T.A.

So, my husband interviewed and was accepted as a Teacher's Assistant at UTA for the coming school year in the Philosophy Department. He will attend and grade papers for 3 different courses, of which there may be more than one class offered. He will work for up to 3 different professors. Best yet, in addition to this extremely valuable experience, he will also make enough money to supplement my income enough to get by. We will definitely not be living large, but we will have enough money for food, so that's something.

I am so very excited! We decided to have him take this year off with out a big plan in place, with little structure to how this might get him closer to his ideal career. Now, if all goes as planned, then he will get tremendous experience as a professor, seeing how to teach, being refreshed on the material, relating to students, learning to grade, and networking with scholars in his field. It will all culminate in him receiving his Master's degree as well.

This feels more tangible and like a true commitment for him, but for us as a couple too. I want nothing more than for Tim to enjoy his job the way I do right now, and, truth be told, I think it would be awesome to be married to a professor.

I think our 30's are going to be good...

Train up a child...

Although I've grown into quite a different person than I was even five years ago, I am haunted by things I learned growing up. For example, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." There are belief systems that influence our behavior that I don't believe as much anymore, but still impart this sense of caution, or at least attention even if I choose to behave differently. That verse should have attached a warning:So be careful you teach them correctly, because the lessons, even the bad ones, will stick with them.

The haunting lesson as of late...

"The smartest thing the Devil ever did was convince the world he doesn't exist." It instills paranoia into my contentment. Thanks a lot.

Yep. Vow of Poverty.

Okay. The title is a little inflated.

Because this is my blog, I'll tell this story from my perspective although the topic is very much an "us" sort of issue.

About a month ago, I told Tim that I was okay with me for him to take the next year "off" to pursue some dreams of his, and ultimately mine as well I suppose. This means he will finish his Master's Degree, work on a novel he is writing, and possibly become a TA in the hopes of building his networking in academia and teaching. He will have to work here and there, part-time, to supplement my income but his job will be much more of a detail than the 40+ hour obsession it is for most people our age.

The months prior to coming to terms with this decision, I was grappling with something myself. I have a job I enjoy and that provides an adequate salary and benefits. We live in an apartment I am very happy with. Everything was just so, and when things are "just so", I get really restless. I'm sure psychoanalysis could help, but I have this internal motor that translates peace and quiet into stagnation.

So I went down the familiar path of, maybe I should look into positions in other places, for a change of scenery. But I truly am happy with what we've built here and the position I currently have. Maybe I should look into going back to school? It would be difficult to do school and maintain the job I have now, plus my heart really isn't in it. Then it dawned on me that the stability, the happiness I have with my current position could allow us to grow in a different way. It meant I stood still and gave Tim the chance to grow. I, of course, will struggle with him, but it came down to, what would it mean if I said no?

I want a marriage where the two of us are always able to pursue our dreams even if it is an inconvenience. I think the inconvenience can't help but force people to build character, to learn, and to grow. Of course, there is the potential for it to be more than inconvenience. For those who shake their heads secretly, we are aware it is stupid to stay in the apartment we are living in with such high rent. We are aware that for a couple who would like to have children in the next few years, depleting savings and possibly running up debt is ill advised. We are aware that it will be harder than we think it will be. We are not naive, but know we won't go hungry or become homeless. That is comfort enough for now.

No one is above being frustrated by monetary constraints. No marriage is so solid that there won't be bouts of feeling unappreciated or resentful. My hope, however, (and perhaps I will keep this blog somewhere I can see it for the next year) is this.

I hope that we again regain an idea of what truly is important in the way of material possessions and experiences.

I hope that Tim accomplishes all he sets out to do and more, but that if the year falls short of his or my expectations, we can still say,"That was the year we really tried, and now we know..."

I hope that I see what I am capable of when it comes to being supportive and something of a bread-winner.

I hope that Tim sees this year as me telling him I believe in him, that I love him, and will be willing to do the same for me someday should I ask.

I hope this year makes us braver and stronger.

I realize we're not building an orphanage in Africa or anything, but sometimes doing something "big" starts at home. Sometimes life is two steps forward with one step back occasionally.

Please remind me of this 6 months from now.