What a lucky girl I am.

Back in January, shortly after watching my sister-in-law try on her wedding dress and rocking it, I saw myself in the mirrors that surrounded us. She looked amazing after months of hard work in the gym and changing her diet. She was happy after months of hard work in therapy. In contrast, I saw myself looking frumpy and throwing back wine in order to not show too much emotion during such a beautiful moment because, despite my profession, emotional vulnerability is not a strong point.

I was unhappy, to an extent I wouldn't become fully aware of, until I made a conscious effort to change, and I did.

I gave myself 6 months to get healthy, in all respects, to be "selfish", which I've come to find is really only self-care. At the end of that 6 months, my flex spending card would be replenished which could be thrown at fertility treatments and such. New cards came in the mail the other day which Tim held up triumphantly declaring, "The baby cards have come in!"

...And what an interesting emotional reaction I had.

This past week, I had a "staycation", an opportunity to not go to work and do what I wanted around the home. Money is a bit tight and we made the most of it. I didn't work towards anything, seeing this or that, accomplishing this or that. I bought sun dresses and tanned and went to movies and nice dinners and stayed out late. It was the pinnacle of allowing myself to just relax and do what I wanted and a sort of farewell to the past six months, before doctor's appointments and shots and whatever may become of my body.

The week began with a one-year birthday party for my best friend's little girl, and I found myself (and allowed myself) to be rather emotional about it. My friend had a terrifying pregnancy with the constant fear of losing the baby, and, even then, she was born so very small. As this sweet girl ate her first birthday cake, and I saw my friend smile as she watched, I was so extraordinarily happy for her. After everything she had been through, she deserved every second of that amazing moment. I also felt that I would likely feel the same way should I find myself in that position, so heart-rendingly grateful that I was given such a wonderful gift, that somehow, I had actually gotten to that point. Imagining myself in that moment brought tears to my eyes, but there was no jealousy, no hurt, just happy hope.

I also had several amazing women over to swim with their 12 amazing children. My friend and her baby also came over at one point as well. I watched them with their kids, but I saw it without the romanticized hue I typically place on it. These women wanted some of what I had, freedom to make decisions on a whim, to have adult conversations, to take a break without the responsibility of someone else hanging over their head.

I find myself in a place that lacks desperation. I want a child. I want a family of my own, but watching these amazing mothers that I know, I see how much of themselves they have to put on the back burner, daily, repeatedly. And I know not one of them would say it isn't worth it. I know it's worth it.

I still want a child of my own, but I am in a place where I am happy with what I've had for the past six months, with what I've had with Tim for the past 12 years. I'm aware of what a struggle life will become whenever we have a child, physically, financially, time-wise, help-wise, and I know it will be worth it.

But, until then, I find myself content for the moment I'm in.

I will be euphoric to be pregnant, to have a child.

In the meantime, I can enjoy the rich life I have now, with work that interests me and a growing circle of friends and time with my husband and freedom to continue finding myself. And, god forbid, that a child of my own is not in the cards for us, I've realized it will not be the end of the world. It will hurt like hell if it comes to that, but my life can still be full.

I cannot put into words what a gift that perspective is.

What a lucky girl I am.