A colleague of mine told me a story about a woman she was working with, attempting to overcome her addiction to cocaine. This woman had done everything she could for many years in an attempt to get better, slowly deteriorating and doing horrible damage to her family. She fought hard, all the time. Each relapse leading to more guilt and shame, triggering her to use, causing her to fight harder...
Finally, one day, she came to the office of my colleague and was encouraged to surrender. This was a fight she could not win. She was not in control of her disease, her addiction. She simply could not fight this away. She had to accept this wasn't up to her. She had to admit "she is powerless" (1st step in AA).
It seems counterintuitive. It seems that surrendering to her addiction would only mean she would spiral further. But she didn't. She got better. She remained sober months later.
She gave herself over and got out of her own way.
This story struck me as mystical. I don't understand it but I believe in it.
After my last blog, in a way, I surrendered. I admitted that everything else felt rather insignificant in light of what my hopes are. Although that was depressing for a while, there came some sort of freedom in it as well.
There is something liberating about letting go and being honest, about being exactly what you are, in the place that you are, without putting any value statements on it, simply accepting life on its own terms.
I'm not miserable. At times I may be a bit depressed, but it seems like a normal reaction to having a goal constantly thwarted. Its normal. We will have extraordinary moments in this life and more challenging ones as well.
So, as we rang in this New Year, I wasn't concerned with how many people we hung out with or even new resolutions. I only want one thing in the coming year and there isn't a lot I can do about that for now. And, so, I will accept my life, which is a very good one, on its own terms. I'm done fighting. I surrender.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
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